PANic

Pansexual Panic = PANic. Clever, aren\’t I?

What\’s it like to wonder about sexuality when you\’re in a heteronormative relationship? I\’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, meanwhile wondering about my sexuality as well as, what are my desires, and yet i\’m still slighty confused. But first, a short backstory.

I first started thinking I might be into girls when I was 16 years old. I was holding hands with my friend and I found myself liking it, which let me to get a bit confused as to what that meant. All I ever thought, was that i\’d be straight like everyone. Being straight was the norm around me, since I personally didn\’t know any queer people. I wasn\’t taught to be straight of course, but when that is the norm, it\’s present in conversations and the way you\’re raised. I never found myself wondering of anything different, before I felt that excitement as I was holding a girls hand.
When I was 17 and got to be more sexual in general, I thought about threesomes (as teens do) and how I could be open to one. I thought I was bi just because I could have a threesome with 2 women and a man. That is often how bisexuality is seen, very sexualised. Which is another topic itself.
In early adulthood I went on to only date men that never became anything serious. Sometimes changing my tinder setting, to be looking for men and women, which was nerve-wracking, exciting and confusing. I thought about how it would feel to be asked out by a woman and what would that mean for me if I went. This happened once, someone asked me out, coincidently I had seen that woman the day before in a bar, by chance. I didn\’t agree to meet up, I was too scared and shy of what that would potentially mean and of the intimacy of a date.

Wondering about one’s sexuality isn’t so straightforward, especially when you’re in a relationship. Trying to understand am I genuinely attracted to the same gender or am I just a bi-curious straight person. I tried to imagine myself dating or being intimate with women which was easy, hell I even watch lesbian porn so I know I can get turned on by the same gender. I just haven’t really done anything more than kissed a woman, which felt the same as kissing a man, but a bit more exciting. It didn’t feel weird or make me laugh. This was a long time ago though, with a person I knew to be straight, and at a time I thought I was.
During the previous year, I started to think I just don’t care about the gender. I’m not attracted to most men at all, as well as I don’t find all women attractive. For me, it takes a certain charisma and personality to feel interested in a deeper level than friendship. It is just about the person, not what’s in between their thighs. This made me think I am pansexual, which is just being attracted to people regardless of gender, instead of just bi. But I kind of identify as both, even though I have a stronger connection to pansexuality, and like to think of myself as lover of people.
I ’came out’ as pansexual months ago to my family, who pretty much knew I’m not strictly hetero and haven’t got an issue with it. After that, I started being open about in in conversations and in social media world. I just wanted to be openly me, without feeling like I was hiding something. No one cared, I just got one biphobic comment, and some like to just talk about threesomes with me…

Hardest part of coming out was the fraud feeling that I had and still have sometimes. I felt like it was pointless since I was dating a man, like why come out if you are in a heteronormative relationship. Why does it matter then? I also felt like I’m not properly part of the LGBTQ+ community, because of my partner. It made me feel like a fraud and I got scared that the community would not ‘allow me’ to ‘join’. It is hard to explain, but I felt like my sexuality wasn’t/isn’t valid since I’m just dating a cis man. Sometimes I think, if this is the relationship that lasts, I won’t get the chance to explore my sexuality with others. Fortunately, we have talked about it I am fortunate enough to have an open-minded boyfriend, who supports me and is understanding of my sexuality. He wouldn’t have any problem with me exploring my sexuality with other genders and has not been weird about it. I’m happy to have this opportunity if I ever get the chance, but would I be brave enough to take it? I am ‘out and proud’, but still shy to act on it, and I’m not entirely sure why.