Looking at old photos of myself and wondering why I wasn’t happy is exactly how I’ll feel about today’s photos in two years
I’m not sure how to break this cycle and realise that who I am now is already a good version of me. I don’t need to become someone else to be my best self. I can’t remember when I was genuinely happy with who I am, and especially how I look. I have always hated how I look. I have either been too thin, have messy hair, don’t have hips made for birthing, wide shoulders and now I feel I have become what I was most afraid of. Fat.
13-year-old anorexic Pirita would not be proud of the 26-year-old me. I am still struggling with the same body image issues and can’t seem to shake them. In the age of body positivity, I am ashamed to even write this because I know I’m not fat. Not really. I don’t have a lot of extra weight, and I wear a size Medium, although it’s starting to feel tight.
I keep trying to fix the things I’m unhappy about, but as soon as I do, I find something else wrong with me. Jemima Kirke once answered the question of what advice would she give for unconfident girls by saying ‘I think you think about yourself too much’. And she is right, we are too self obsessed.
In the world of violence, war, injustice and climate crisis, I care most about how many chins I have. It is pathetic, sad and worst of all, painfully basic. I am not saying we are not allowed to have insecurities, feelings or be unhappy with our lives because there’s suffering around us. I am just calling myself out for caring about such irrelevant things rather than spend my time learning, creating or living. Truth is, I am not living fully and that’s mostly because I do not like who I am. Yes, I have difficulties beyond my control, PCOS causing weight gain, chronic pain from back and hip issues, and a cocktail of self-doubt from dyslexia, anxiety, and likely ADHD. But the difficulties that cripple me the most are from my own mind.
I am hoping to change all of this and find love in life and within myself. I am not yet there, and do not know how to get there but I will be paying more attention to how I feel, what I like doing and what are my opinions, without thinking which would make me likeable, interesting or help me fit in. In the years of trying to please others and mould myself into a shape that isn’t a natural fit, I have lost myself and do not even know what I like in life. Entering into another cliche or basic behaviour, I am in the journey of finding myself. Except I’m not doing it in a fantastic yoga retreat in India, taking amazing scenery photos. I am in north of Scotland, mostly working, walking and watching shows.
Here’s the part where I say you may follow me to follow my journey, but I’m not consistent and probably won’t be posting a lot all the time. I will randomly update you on what I’ve discovered, if anything or if I’ve stayed in the pits of grey unhappiness and forgotten to work on my mental health or do anything.
I feel the need to apologise for being so boring rather than an empowered lady living my best life. I am resisting the urge to do so.
Pirita,
I started following you on social media after connecting with an older blog post of yours. You’ve written about how naturism and shedding your clothes had a positive impact on your mental health. I connected with this immensely. I, too, have struggled in the past to accept my body as it is, especially as someone who doesn’t look or feel as masculine as others my age. But exploring naturism, especially social naturism in the appropriate settings, was an enlightening experience. What you’ve shared is both powerful and vulnerable and that’s a good thing. I’d be willing to bet there are many people around our age who can relate to what you’ve said, but aren’t brave enough to share. Please give youself grace and be kind to yourself!
Hi Aaron,
Thank you for the comment! I am glad my writings connected with you and you found them relatable. Thanks for the kind words 🙂