Thank you 2021. Now fu** off.

Goodbye, all the nights I cried. The moments I felt defeated, unlovable and lost. Goodbye, the year of transformation, obscurity and loss. But also, goodbye to some of the memories I\’ll treasure forever.

The year started with me pretty much spending most of my time on the computer writing my thesis and being stressed. The whole spring I was merely existing but not living. A blur of moments I don\’t remember clearly. I ended up graduating a month early and stepping into unknown territory. I had no idea what I\’d do after graduation, in fact, I still don\’t. The summer was full of birthdays, graduations, family gatherings and unemployment. July brought another trip to the Highlands with my little sister and my then-boyfriend. I remember the trip fondly but also with sadness. It was my last trip there without me realising it at the time. Unlike my first time in the Highlands during the lockdown (2020), I met a lot of new people and we were free to visit other towns and cities. It was such a different experience to see the village so lively and filled with tourists enjoying the place and I\’m glad I got to experience it. I\’d love to live in a similar place at some point in my life. Swimming under waterfalls, drinking morning coffee whilst listening to the birds, being close to nature and just living slower. It was a trip I used to tune into who I am and what makes me feel good. I tried to stop pretending to like the things I dont and gladly I succeeded. I started creating more after a long time of losing my creativity. I still suffered from some amount of anxiety and stress, but most of the time I felt quite free and relaxed for the 1 and a half months that we were there. Sadly I now know that in my relationship, our minds weren\’t united. A trip that was a new start for me was an ending for him.

After returning home, to Finland, I got into an educational programme to become a climate change expert. I was excited I found something that aligned with my interests and I felt like it would further my career. I was motivated to study and attended the lectures with enthusiasm. I started going back to the gym after 4 months of not going. Of course, me being me, I still had things to stress about and over-analyze. I however felt happier than in a long time. I was getting more in tune with myself, my feelings and began to allow myself to feel without beating myself up about it. Then one evening, in a blink of an eye, I was left without a relationship. I had just been kissing this person and suddenly they were not my person anymore. I was alone immediately without the knowledge of what had happened and why. It was a truly horrible night filled with tears. Actually, three days filled with tears that ended up breaking the skin around my eyes which burned so badly I needed to have ice on my eyes for ages. I physically couldn\’t cry anymore.

The rest of the year I got used to the feeling of loneliness. I no longer shared my days, thoughts and nights with anyone. My friends don\’t live in the same city and most of the people I knew were my ex-boyfriend\’s friends. I relied on my family more than I have before. I started going to ashtanga yoga classes weekly to help with my chronic pain and keep my body moving. I had a little break from the gym and gained some weight but learned to be merciful to myself. After I started to feel better I started going to the gym again and made an effort to be around people. I journaled and did a lot of self-examination. Admitted to all my shortcomings and started to make a conscious effort to change for the better. I Practised self-love and found peace in knowing I am loving, friendly, assertive, strong-minded, goofy, adventurous, honest, non-judgemental and so much more. I am a complicated person but I am enough for me and for the right people. I am also more open than I\’ve ever been. I still have my flaws, like everybody, but I\’ve learned to see the good in me as well.

Now it is the new year. 1.1.2022. I found myself crying all over again due to the feeling of being worthless, not enough and just trash. People had been able to influence my self-worth and self-perception and I had allowed it. More importantly, I had also experienced kindness from strangers which made me feel hopeful. I had to let it all out and let my body purify my soul through crying so that I can born again for this new year. I entered this year unemployed, technically homeless, without the educational programme and alone. It is truly a clean slate. I have no idea what I am doing for the next 12 months but I\’m eager to find out.