life

PCOS: Four Years of Not Feeling Like Myself

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It’s been about four years now of trying to figure out why my body started feeling unfamiliar. Like I was living in someone else’s skin.

I’ve always had irregular periods, so that part wasn’t new. The chaos of never knowing when my cycle would show up was just normal for me.
But around four years ago, other things started shifting in ways that felt wrong.

My weight started climbing and, I ended up at the heaviest I have ever been. It was a slow build that just kept going. My face looked puffier, like I was constantly holding on to water. The bloating became a daily thing, not just something that happened after meals. I felt tired all the time, like I was moving through mud. And the cravings for sugar and carbs were intense. Not just the usual kind, but a desperate need that felt completely out of my control.

I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Not physically, not mentally. It was like watching my body rebel against everything I thought I knew about it.

Year 1: The Stress Excuse

I went to the doctor, armed with a mental list of everything that felt wrong. They blamed stress, as they have always done. It’s funny how “stress” becomes the catch-all explanation for women’s health issues, isn’t it? Like our bodies are just naturally prone to falling apart under pressure.

They said it could be hormonal and the blood tests showed my hormones being out of balance, but that was the end of it. No curiosity about what might be causing the imbalance. No follow-up appointments. Just a smile and a suggestion to “try to relax more.”

I left feeling dismissed and a bit crazy, wondering if I was just imagining how different everything felt but this is when I started getting hair growth in undesirable places, so something was definitely off.

Year 2: Getting Warmer

Went back because things weren’t getting better. This time, the blood tests showed something clear evidence on something being wrong. My testosterone was abnormally high, not just slightly elevated, but properly high. My cholesterol was climbing too, which felt particularly unfair since I wasn’t eating any differently than before.

They sent me for an ultrasound which I thought was a relief as I thought they are taking me seriously now. They found cysts in my ovaries and said it does indicate that I have or am developing PCOS.

The symptoms lined up perfectly: fatigue that sleep couldn’t fix, cravings that felt like they were controlling me rather than the other way around, irregular cycles that made planning anything impossible, mood changes that left me feeling like I was on an emotional roller coaster I couldn’t get off.

But no diagnosis. They said I was too young at 23. As if PCOS waits until you’re 30 to show up. They didn’t want to “label” it, as if giving it a name would somehow make it worse rather than giving me something to work with. I was told to come back when I want to have children and if I struggle with that.

No treatment. No plan. Just vague advice to manage stress and “look after myself”, whatever that was supposed to mean when I was already trying everything I could think of.

Year 3: Hope in the Highlands

I moved to the Highlands, hoping for a fresh start with healthcare too. New GP, new perspective, maybe someone who would actually listen.

I brought it up again, this time with a folder full of previous test results. This doctor seemed more thorough and they ran blood tests regularly for about 8 months, tracking patterns and changes. I felt hopeful for the first time in a long while that someone was taking this seriously.

Eventually, I was sent for another ultrasound. Cysts, still there. The technician was chatty and mentioned how “textbook” everything looked for PCOS. Still, no official diagnosis. The reason this time was even more frustrating. Apparently because I had a coil, they couldn’t diagnose PCOS. Some bureaucratic nonsense about how the coil altering periods even though I have had irregular periods since I started having them at the age of 11-ish. But they did verbally confirm I had it, just didn’t write it down anywhere official. It felt like being told you’re sick but not sick enough to matter on paper.

No support, no follow-up beyond that conversation. Just a suggestion to go on a Mediterranean diet, handed to me like a consolation prize. As if olive oil and fish were going to fix years of hormonal chaos.

Year 4: Finally, Someone Who Gets It

Four months ago, I tried again with yet another doctor. I was honestly exhausted by this point, tired of explaining the same symptoms, tired of being dismissed, tired of feeling like I was begging for basic healthcare. But this time felt different from the moment I walked in. She actually looked through all my results properly, asked questions, and then just said it how it was: “Yes, it’s PCOS, without any doubts.”

She prescribed Metformin, 500mg twice a day, to manage insulin resistance. Finally, actual medication for an actual condition, not just lifestyle advice thrown at a wall. However, I was surprised to be given any meds at all. I had gone in expecting nothing just hoping for some kind of acknowledgment.

Four Months In: Small Changes

Cravings: Less constant, which is huge. I’m not spending entire afternoons thinking about chocolate, and I can actually just have a few bites and be satisfied instead of eating the whole bar.

Energy: Slightly more stable but I have always suffered from sleeping issues so any improvement is great.

Weight: Not changing yet, which is frustrating but not surprising. I’ve learned that PCOS weight is stubborn in ways that regular weight isn’t.

Face puffiness: Still there, still making me feel like I’m looking at a stranger in photos.

Mood: Lighter on some days, still flat on others. I am still the same restless me so cant be blamed on PCOS entirely.

It’s not a transformation. But it’s something. And after years of nothing, something feels like everything.

The Mental Load

Over these years, I started feeling really uncomfortable in my own body in ways that went beyond just physical symptoms. I avoided mirrors, turning away when I caught glimpses of myself unexpectedly. Taking photos became something I dreaded, every picture seemed to show this puffy, tired version of myself that I didn’t recognize.

I stopped skinny dipping, something I used to love. There’s something about PCOS that makes you hyper-aware of your body in all the wrong ways. The weight distribution changes, the way clothes fit differently, the way your face looks in certain lighting.

I haven’t felt like dating, partly because I don’t feel attractive, but mostly because I don’t feel like myself.

Getting the diagnosis hasn’t fixed all that, but it gave me something solid. A reason for why I felt so disconnected from myself. A place to start working from, rather than just flailing around trying random solutions.

There’s also this slight fear that creeps in; not being able to have babies as I’m getting older and am very single. PCOS and fertility issues often go hand in hand, and at 27, I feel I should meet my person soon so it wont be too late, but I dont want to date since I do not like myself these days.. It is a vicious cycle. I also hate online dating (a story for another time) and meeting someone organically feels impossible these days.

What Now

  • Keep taking Metformin (and dealing with the lovely digestive side effects)
  • Try to be more active in ways that work for my body rather than anger it by too high intensity workouts.
  • Sleep more (easier said than done, but I’m working on it)
  • Keep food and blood sugar more steady (bye bye snacks)

Apparently, I should aim to have as stress-free a life as possible to keep things balanced. Well, too bad life is not very zen. Between work pressures, financial worries, questions about what the hell I am doing, and just the general chaos of being alive in 2025, “stress-free” feels like a luxury I can’t afford.

I’m still figuring it out, still learning what works and what doesn’t. Some days are better than others. But for the first time in four years, I have a name for what I’m dealing with, medication that might help, and a sense that I’m not just imagining all of this.

If you have PCOS, helloo sister! And if not, helloo lucky bastard.

A witty cartoon about PCOS; insulin resistance

Painfully basic

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Looking at old photos of myself and wondering why I wasn’t happy is exactly how I’ll feel about today’s photos in two years

I’m not sure how to break this cycle and realise that who I am now is already a good version of me. I don’t need to become someone else to be my best self. I can’t remember when I was genuinely happy with who I am, and especially how I look. I have always hated how I look. I have either been too thin, have messy hair, don’t have hips made for birthing, wide shoulders and now I feel I have become what I was most afraid of. Fat.

13-year-old anorexic Pirita would not be proud of the 26-year-old me. I am still struggling with the same body image issues and can’t seem to shake them. In the age of body positivity, I am ashamed to even write this because I know I’m not fat. Not really. I don’t have a lot of extra weight, and I wear a size Medium, although it’s starting to feel tight.

I keep trying to fix the things I’m unhappy about, but as soon as I do, I find something else wrong with me. Jemima Kirke once answered the question of what advice would she give for unconfident girls by saying ‘I think you think about yourself too much’. And she is right, we are too self obsessed.

In the world of violence, war, injustice and climate crisis, I care most about how many chins I have. It is pathetic, sad and worst of all, painfully basic. I am not saying we are not allowed to have insecurities, feelings or be unhappy with our lives because there’s suffering around us. I am just calling myself out for caring about such irrelevant things rather than spend my time learning, creating or living. Truth is, I am not living fully and that’s mostly because I do not like who I am. Yes, I have difficulties beyond my control, PCOS causing weight gain, chronic pain from back and hip issues, and a cocktail of self-doubt from dyslexia, anxiety, and likely ADHD. But the difficulties that cripple me the most are from my own mind.

I am hoping to change all of this and find love in life and within myself. I am not yet there, and do not know how to get there but I will be paying more attention to how I feel, what I like doing and what are my opinions, without thinking which would make me likeable, interesting or help me fit in. In the years of trying to please others and mould myself into a shape that isn’t a natural fit, I have lost myself and do not even know what I like in life. Entering into another cliche or basic behaviour, I am in the journey of finding myself. Except I’m not doing it in a fantastic yoga retreat in India, taking amazing scenery photos. I am in north of Scotland, mostly working, walking and watching shows.

Here’s the part where I say you may follow me to follow my journey, but I’m not consistent and probably won’t be posting a lot all the time. I will randomly update you on what I’ve discovered, if anything or if I’ve stayed in the pits of grey unhappiness and forgotten to work on my mental health or do anything.

I feel the need to apologise for being so boring rather than an empowered lady living my best life. I am resisting the urge to do so.

Tampere, Finland
May 2023

Life\’s a whirlwind

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Hey there, people of the internet! It\’s your favourite slightly neurotic, but kind of charming, gal pal checking in. Life\’s been a whirlwind lately – I\’ve been bouncing around more than a beach ball at a music festival.

First, I headed off to Malta for a little adventure. Let\’s just say it was a mixed bag. On the one hand, I met some amazing people and had some unforgettable experiences. I don\’t regret it even though I was a hot mess… Literally, since the country is scorching hot.

After my stint in Malta, I found myself back in Finland – which, let\’s be real, was a relief. I was ready to leave Malta, but then I met someone and got sucked into staying a little longer than planned. But eventually, it was time to move on, and I landed a job in the big city. And you know what? It\’s not what I thought it would be. Surprise, surprise. I mean, that seems to be the theme of my life lately. Nothing is quite what I expect it to be.

So now I\’m at a crossroads. I could go back to working in a kindergarten, but honestly, I don\’t know if I have the energy for that. The thought of wiping noses and tying shoelaces isn\’t exactly my dream job. But then again, the money would be good. And weekends off? Sign me up, baby.

On the other hand, I\’m daydreaming about starting my own business or finding a way to work for myself. It\’s a scary thought, but also super exciting. I want to be the one in charge, calling the shots, and making my own rules. But let\’s be real – I have no idea where to start. I have a few ideas bouncing around in my head, but the thought of putting them into action is overwhelming. And my brain feels like scrambled eggs half the time. Plus, I\’m pretty sure I have a mild case of imposter syndrome. Can I really do this? Am I qualified? Or am I just deluding myself?

I\’m hoping that the universe will throw me a bone and show me the way. But until then, I\’ll keep plugging away at my current job, daydreaming about the future, and trying not to get too overwhelmed.

So that\’s the deal, folks. Life\’s a rollercoaster, and I\’m just trying to hold on tight and enjoy the ride. Who knows where I\’ll end up next? Maybe I\’ll become a successful entrepreneur, or maybe I\’ll end up back in kindergarten. Or maybe I\’ll move back abroad again!. The possibilities are endless, my friends. But one thing\’s for sure – change is coming.

What we are taught about emotions is wrong

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Once I participated in a meditative dance class called 5rhythms. It is a movement-based practise that teaches us that life is energy in motion.
\’\’In dancing 5Rhythms you can track perceptions and memories; seek out gestures and shapes; tune into instincts and intuitions. They reveal ways to creatively express aggressiveness and vulnerability, emotions and anxieties, edges and ecstasies. They reconnect us to cycles of birth, death and renewal and hook us up to the spirit in all living things. They initiate us back into the wisdom of our bodies and unleash movement’s dynamic healing power.\’\’ (5Rhythms)

During 5Rhythms I saw people expressing all sorts of different emotions. Someone even screamed and hit the ground, letting out all of the emotion he was bottling up inside. First I was taken aback by it and felt a bit weird trying to move my body freely whilst I was surrounded by strangers. Only when I closed my eyes I could let go of the awkward feeling and just let my body move the way it wants to and see what emotions surfaced during the hours-long practice.

Emotions and feelings are often mistaken to mean the same thing, but they are quite different. \’\’Emotions are real-time data sparked by sensations in the body. Feelings can be more biased, altered by mental misconceptions. Take an example of an emotional threat: A bully might respond with the feeling of anger because it feels empowering, whereas labelling the threat “fear\’\’ would be too vulnerable for them. In contrast, the non-bully might respond by feeling intimidated. This is why feelings can be so different from person to person in the same scenario.\’\’ (Rachel Allyn Ph.D)

Society, other people and even ourselves tell us to shut down our emotions and encourage positive thinking, making it clear that positive emotions are the only ones that are appropriate and the only emotions you want to feel.

Society categorises sadness, anger, anxiety, frustration etc as being \’negative emotions\’.
But what if I tell you there are no negative emotions.
Feelings simply are how we process experiences.

Saying that some emotions are negative or bad implies that they shouldn\’t be felt, because why would anyone want to feel negative emotions. But there isn\’t an objective rule that states what emotions are negative and what positive. There is, in fact, nothing wrong with any emotion. We need to let our bodies feel! It is vital for our spirit and soul. It is how we heal.

Our emotions are all processed in the same place so when you suppress one you suppress them all. To be able to feel full happiness and ecstasy you have to let yourself experience emotions and when you suppress \’\’negative emotions\’\’ to feel happy, the outcome isn\’t pure happiness. Without all our emotions we can\’t connect to our passion and to what we need and desire.
It has been studied that when a person suppresses an emotion or thoughts for years it is that emotion/thought they think about the most. Shutting down any emotions diminishes our connection to our innate wisdom. The quickest way to block our ability to access our emotional wisdom is to consider half of our emotions as “negative” and something to avoid or change.

Your emotions are telling you something. They are an indicator of something and it\’s important to be in tune with them and try to learn what our bodies are telling us. Thinking that we know better than the body and intuition is dangerous. Numbing ourselves from experiencing emotions is in the way of healing and self-awareness. It is denying the wisdom of the emotional body. Emotions are telling us what is needed and when we do the action they tell us to, the emotion moves on until they are needed again. But when a certain emotion isn\’t allowed to do its job (the emotion is shut down) the need/reason for the feeling still remains. This is when other emotions step in, but won\’t be able to fill the need because they weren\’t designed for it. When an emotion is shut down other emotions go out of control. This results in cycling emotions and stuck emotional patterns, that don’t resolve even when we do all the right things. Whether or not you accept all of your emotions as valid, and are willing to feel them is the single biggest decision that will make or break your psychological health.

All our \’\’negative thoughts\’\’ are teachers in disguise. These thoughts are just the scared child in you in need of love, so you should give it love. Nurture the thought and emotion. Show love and compassion to it and tell yourself you are here to yourself. You got your back. You\’re not here to judge or to push your emotions and thoughts away, you are here to love yourself through it. We don\’t have \’\’negative thoughts\’\’ over things we don\’t care about.

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Thank you 2021. Now fu** off.

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Goodbye, all the nights I cried. The moments I felt defeated, unlovable and lost. Goodbye, the year of transformation, obscurity and loss. But also, goodbye to some of the memories I\’ll treasure forever.

The year started with me pretty much spending most of my time on the computer writing my thesis and being stressed. The whole spring I was merely existing but not living. A blur of moments I don\’t remember clearly. I ended up graduating a month early and stepping into unknown territory. I had no idea what I\’d do after graduation, in fact, I still don\’t. The summer was full of birthdays, graduations, family gatherings and unemployment. July brought another trip to the Highlands with my little sister and my then-boyfriend. I remember the trip fondly but also with sadness. It was my last trip there without me realising it at the time. Unlike my first time in the Highlands during the lockdown (2020), I met a lot of new people and we were free to visit other towns and cities. It was such a different experience to see the village so lively and filled with tourists enjoying the place and I\’m glad I got to experience it. I\’d love to live in a similar place at some point in my life. Swimming under waterfalls, drinking morning coffee whilst listening to the birds, being close to nature and just living slower. It was a trip I used to tune into who I am and what makes me feel good. I tried to stop pretending to like the things I dont and gladly I succeeded. I started creating more after a long time of losing my creativity. I still suffered from some amount of anxiety and stress, but most of the time I felt quite free and relaxed for the 1 and a half months that we were there. Sadly I now know that in my relationship, our minds weren\’t united. A trip that was a new start for me was an ending for him.

After returning home, to Finland, I got into an educational programme to become a climate change expert. I was excited I found something that aligned with my interests and I felt like it would further my career. I was motivated to study and attended the lectures with enthusiasm. I started going back to the gym after 4 months of not going. Of course, me being me, I still had things to stress about and over-analyze. I however felt happier than in a long time. I was getting more in tune with myself, my feelings and began to allow myself to feel without beating myself up about it. Then one evening, in a blink of an eye, I was left without a relationship. I had just been kissing this person and suddenly they were not my person anymore. I was alone immediately without the knowledge of what had happened and why. It was a truly horrible night filled with tears. Actually, three days filled with tears that ended up breaking the skin around my eyes which burned so badly I needed to have ice on my eyes for ages. I physically couldn\’t cry anymore.

The rest of the year I got used to the feeling of loneliness. I no longer shared my days, thoughts and nights with anyone. My friends don\’t live in the same city and most of the people I knew were my ex-boyfriend\’s friends. I relied on my family more than I have before. I started going to ashtanga yoga classes weekly to help with my chronic pain and keep my body moving. I had a little break from the gym and gained some weight but learned to be merciful to myself. After I started to feel better I started going to the gym again and made an effort to be around people. I journaled and did a lot of self-examination. Admitted to all my shortcomings and started to make a conscious effort to change for the better. I Practised self-love and found peace in knowing I am loving, friendly, assertive, strong-minded, goofy, adventurous, honest, non-judgemental and so much more. I am a complicated person but I am enough for me and for the right people. I am also more open than I\’ve ever been. I still have my flaws, like everybody, but I\’ve learned to see the good in me as well.

Now it is the new year. 1.1.2022. I found myself crying all over again due to the feeling of being worthless, not enough and just trash. People had been able to influence my self-worth and self-perception and I had allowed it. More importantly, I had also experienced kindness from strangers which made me feel hopeful. I had to let it all out and let my body purify my soul through crying so that I can born again for this new year. I entered this year unemployed, technically homeless, without the educational programme and alone. It is truly a clean slate. I have no idea what I am doing for the next 12 months but I\’m eager to find out.

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PANic

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Pansexual Panic = PANic. Clever, aren\’t I?

What\’s it like to wonder about sexuality when you\’re in a heteronormative relationship? I\’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, meanwhile wondering about my sexuality as well as, what are my desires, and yet i\’m still slighty confused. But first, a short backstory.

I first started thinking I might be into girls when I was 16 years old. I was holding hands with my friend and I found myself liking it, which let me to get a bit confused as to what that meant. All I ever thought, was that i\’d be straight like everyone. Being straight was the norm around me, since I personally didn\’t know any queer people. I wasn\’t taught to be straight of course, but when that is the norm, it\’s present in conversations and the way you\’re raised. I never found myself wondering of anything different, before I felt that excitement as I was holding a girls hand.
When I was 17 and got to be more sexual in general, I thought about threesomes (as teens do) and how I could be open to one. I thought I was bi just because I could have a threesome with 2 women and a man. That is often how bisexuality is seen, very sexualised. Which is another topic itself.
In early adulthood I went on to only date men that never became anything serious. Sometimes changing my tinder setting, to be looking for men and women, which was nerve-wracking, exciting and confusing. I thought about how it would feel to be asked out by a woman and what would that mean for me if I went. This happened once, someone asked me out, coincidently I had seen that woman the day before in a bar, by chance. I didn\’t agree to meet up, I was too scared and shy of what that would potentially mean and of the intimacy of a date.

Wondering about one’s sexuality isn’t so straightforward, especially when you’re in a relationship. Trying to understand am I genuinely attracted to the same gender or am I just a bi-curious straight person. I tried to imagine myself dating or being intimate with women which was easy, hell I even watch lesbian porn so I know I can get turned on by the same gender. I just haven’t really done anything more than kissed a woman, which felt the same as kissing a man, but a bit more exciting. It didn’t feel weird or make me laugh. This was a long time ago though, with a person I knew to be straight, and at a time I thought I was.
During the previous year, I started to think I just don’t care about the gender. I’m not attracted to most men at all, as well as I don’t find all women attractive. For me, it takes a certain charisma and personality to feel interested in a deeper level than friendship. It is just about the person, not what’s in between their thighs. This made me think I am pansexual, which is just being attracted to people regardless of gender, instead of just bi. But I kind of identify as both, even though I have a stronger connection to pansexuality, and like to think of myself as lover of people.
I ’came out’ as pansexual months ago to my family, who pretty much knew I’m not strictly hetero and haven’t got an issue with it. After that, I started being open about in in conversations and in social media world. I just wanted to be openly me, without feeling like I was hiding something. No one cared, I just got one biphobic comment, and some like to just talk about threesomes with me…

Hardest part of coming out was the fraud feeling that I had and still have sometimes. I felt like it was pointless since I was dating a man, like why come out if you are in a heteronormative relationship. Why does it matter then? I also felt like I’m not properly part of the LGBTQ+ community, because of my partner. It made me feel like a fraud and I got scared that the community would not ‘allow me’ to ‘join’. It is hard to explain, but I felt like my sexuality wasn’t/isn’t valid since I’m just dating a cis man. Sometimes I think, if this is the relationship that lasts, I won’t get the chance to explore my sexuality with others. Fortunately, we have talked about it I am fortunate enough to have an open-minded boyfriend, who supports me and is understanding of my sexuality. He wouldn’t have any problem with me exploring my sexuality with other genders and has not been weird about it. I’m happy to have this opportunity if I ever get the chance, but would I be brave enough to take it? I am ‘out and proud’, but still shy to act on it, and I’m not entirely sure why.

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A perfect morning

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15.7.2021 Journal entry

On my first day back here in the Highlands of Scotland I woke up at 8:15 after a good nights rest. We traveled 21H yesterday so needless to say I was exhausted. The house on a beautiful spot in a small village of 80 people is quiet. I make my way downstares and make myself a cup of instant coffee with oat milk. I wake the house dog Fudge and go sit on the living room floor with a book I found on the bookshelf of our room. It\’s called The good girls guide to being nicer, calmer, more patient, a dick. Kjartans mother Julia comes downstares and we chatted a bit about the changing climate and the weird weather occurances in different places. Then she went to feed Fudge and I open the living room glass door to sit on the steps in front to enjoy the sunlight. It is a perfect morning with a cool temperature of 14°c and I listen the birds are singing as well as two roosters.

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I\’ve got my bachelor\’s degree

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I am officially a Bachelor of Culture and Arts; Design! Finally all the hard work has payed off, even a month early 😉

On 31st of May I got my degree certificate sent to me through mail. Not a very ceremonious way of graduating but it still counts. I\’ve been distance studying since March 2020 so it hasn\’t even felt like I\’ve been a student anymore. No going to school or student parties or even meeting up in a school cafeteria to chit chat with friends. So graduating doesn\’t really feel like a big deal to be honest. Nevertheless I do feel happy to finally be a graduate and I am proud of myself for getting through it.

Future plans?

Gosh… My head has been a mess lately. Feels amazing to be free now but my mind is also a bit conflicted since I don\’t have any known opportunity waiting for me just yet. So it\’s also a little bit daunting. Of course I am going to be using this time to further learn and research the topics that interest me such as sustainability and circular economy (I\’d love to work in the field as well;)). I have my own projects that I am working on, I just posted my first YouTube video and am doing my portfolio as well as working on my business ideas. There\’s a lot on my mind and hopefully I have something amazing waiting for me, preferably abroad.

So, thats whats going on in my world at the moment. But please share: what are your plans, ideas and motivations? id love to hear about them!

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Me posing with my degree certificate